Your Daily dose of Jewish Humor...

[simchat_torah]

Abbot and Costello learn Hebrew

ABBOTT & COSTELLO LEARN HEBREW
by R. Jack Moline


NOTE:

In order to appreciate this humor, you need to understand a few
Hebrew words. In Hebrew:

#1) Mee means 'Who' in English
#2) Hu means 'He' in English
#3) Hee means 'She' in English
#4) Ma mean 'What' in English
#5) Dag means 'Fish' in English

ENJOY! Be prepared to fall off you chair!

END OF NOTE


ABBOTT: I see you're here for your Hebrew lesson.
COSTELLO: I'm ready to learn.

A: Now, the first thing you must understand is that Hebrew and English
have many words which sound alike, but they do not mean the same
thing.
C: Sure, I understand.
A: Now, don't be too quick to say that.
C: How stupid do you think I am -don't answer that. It's simple-some
words in Hebrew sound like words in English, but they don't mean
the same.
A: Precisely.
C: We have that word in English, too. What does it mean in Hebrew?
A: No, no. Precisely is an English word.
C: I didn't come here to learn English, I came to learn Hebrew. So
make with the Hebrew.
A: Fine. Let's start with mee.
C: You.
A: No , mee.
C: Fine, we'll start with you.
A: No, we'll start with mee.
C: Okay, have it your way.
A: Now, mee is who.
C: You is Abbott.
A: No, no, no. Mee is who.
C: You is Abbott.
A: You don't understand.
C: I don't understand? Did you just say me is who?
A: Yes I did. Mee is who.
C: You is Abbott.
A: No, You Misunderstand what I am saying. Tell me about mee.
C: Well, you're a nice enough guy.
A: No, no. Tell me about mee!
C: Who?
A: Precisely.
C: Precisely what?
A: Precisely who.
C: It's precisely whom!
A: No, mee is who.
C: Don't start that again-go on to something else.
A: All right. Hu is he.
C: Who is he?
A: Yes.
C: I don't know. Who is he?
A: Sure you do. You just said it.
C: I just said what?
A: Hu is he.
C: Who is he?
A: Precisely.
C: Again with the precisely! Precisely who?
A: No, precisely hee.
C: Precisely he? Who is he?
A: Precisely!
C: And what about me?
A: Hu.
C: me, me, me!
A: Hu, hu, hu!
C: What are you, an owl? Me! Who is me?
A: No, hu is he!
C: I don't know I maybe he is me!
A: No, hee is she! (STARE AT ABBOTT)
C: Do his parents know about this?
A: About what?
C: About her!
A: What about her?
C: That she is he!
A: No, you've got it wrong-hee is she!
C: Then who is he?
A: Precisely!
C: Who?
A: He!
C: Me?
A: Hu!
C: He?
A: She!
C: Who is she?
A: No, hu is he.
C: I don't care who is he, I want to know who is she?
A: No, that's not right.
C: How can it not be right? I said it. I was standing here when I
said it, and I know me.
A: Hu.
C: Who?
A: Precisely!
C: Me! Me is that he you are talking about! He is me!
A: No, hee is she!
C: Wait a Minute, wait a minute! I'm trying to learn a little Hebrew,
and now I can't even speak English. Let me review.
A: Go ahead.
C: Now first You want to know me is who.
A: Correct.
C: And then you say who is he.
A: Absolutely.
C: And then you tell me he is she.
A & C: Precisely!
C: Now look at this logically. If me is who. And who is he. And he is
she. Don't it stand to reason that me is she?
A: Who?
C: She!
A: That is he!
C: Who is he?
A & C: Precisely!
C: I have just about had it. You have me confused I want to go home.
You know what I want? Ma!
A: What.
C: I said Ma.
A: What.
Q: What are you, deaf? I want Ma!
A: What!
C: Not what, who!
A: He!
C: Not he! Ma is not he!
A: Of course not! Hu is he!
C: I don't know. I don't know. I don't care. I don't care who is he,
he is she, me is who, ma is what. I just want to go home now and
play with my dog.
A: Fish.
C: Fish?
A: Dag is fish.
C: That's all, I'm outa here.

[simchat_torah]

Hebonics???

Hebonics - It's REAL!

NEW YORK, February 1 - The New York City school board has officially declared Jewish English - now dubbed Hebonics - as a second language. Backers of the move say the city's School District is the first in the state to recognize Hebonics as a valid language and significant attribute of New York culture.

According to Howard Schollman, linguistics professor at New York University and renowned Hebonics scholar, the sentence structure of Hebonics derives from middle and eastern European language patterns,as well as Yiddish.

Prof. Schollman explains, "In Hebonics, the response to any question is usually another question-plus a complaint that is implied or stated.

Thus 'How are you?' may be answered, 'How should I be, with my feet?' Schollman says that Hebonics is a superb linguistic vehicle for expressing sarcasm or skepticism. An example is the repetition of a word with "sh" or "shm" at the beginning: "Mountains, shmountains. Stay away. You want a nosebleed?"

Another Hebonics pattern is moving the subject of a sentence to the end, with its pronoun at the beginning: "It's beautiful, that dress."

Schollman says one also sees the Hebonics verb moved to the end of the sentence. Thus the response to a remark such as 'He's slow as a turtle,' could be: "Turtle, shmurtle! Like a fly in Vaseline he walks."

Schollman provided the following examples from his textbook, Switched-On Hebonics.

Question: "What time is it?"
English answer: "Sorry, I don't know."
Hebonic answer: "What am I, a clock?"

Remark: "I hope things turn out okay."
English response: "Thanks."
Hebonic response: "I should BE so lucky!"

Remark: "Hurry up. Dinner's ready."
English response: "Be right there."
Hebonic response: "Alright already, I'm coming. What's with the 'hurry' business? Is there a fire?"

Remark: "I like the tie you gave me; wear it all the time."
English response: "Glad you like it."
Hebonic response: "So what's the matter; you don't like the other ties I gave you?

Remark: "Sarah and I are engaged."
English response: "Congratulations!"
Hebonic response: "She could stand to gain a few pounds."

Question: "Would you like to go riding with us?"
English answer: "Just say when."
Hebonic answer: "Riding, shmiding! Do I look like a cowboy?"

To guest of honor at his birthday party:
English remark: "Happy birthday."
Hebonic remark: "A year smarter you should become."

Remark: "A beautiful day."
English response: "Sure is."
Hebonic response: "So the sun is out; what else is new?"

Answering a phone call from son:
English remark: "It's been a long time since you called."
Hebonic remark: "You didn't wonder if I'm dead yet?"

[Valid Name]

RIGHT!

Yeah Japheth,

Like, That was alot funnier when I posted it?

http://www.tzaddikim.org/forums/showthread.php?s=&threadid=69

-----emaN dilaV-----

[simchat_torah]

HA HAHA HAHAHAHAHA

ROFL!!!!!!!!

I've now seen this one on like 6 different forums... he he he ...

but then again, great minds do think alike!